Me, myself and I and....IT

It hits me again! Yup, after resting for 5 months, trying to enjoy my life as a normal person, acting like a happy 28 years old girl, trying hard to be on track on the job, liking what I’m sitting at now…suddenly it came a few days back….

Even though it’s called a disorder instead of a disease, yet living with it for almost 5 years is really depressing. Sometimes I feel it’s a burden, sometimes I try not to think about it…but it will always be with me no matter where I go, no matter what I do. Even though I try to hide it but at a certain stage, I just can’t take it anymore. I felt really tired living with this mask. Hiding my own feelings as if nothing really happen to me, as if I’m just a normal people, as if I’m satisfied with my life now, as if……I’m just tired of faking everything…..even making the curve with my lips just to show to people that I’m doing OK.

I wake up in the morning, and communicate to myself. “WHY?” that’s my question that still finding an answer. “Why are you here?” and the respond “you are useless!!” Almost every morning I will say to her “you are useless, no point for you to live”. Maybe, the angel side of me is still dominant. She will say “you have HIM to communicate with, there must be a reason to all the tests given…at least HE has shown HIS love to you by giving the test so that you have a purpose to communicate with him”

On the 9th, I woke up, and it plays again in my head. Owh shit, I have to fight this! Straight away to the toilet, then she looks at me in the mirror. “I HATE YOU!” she said.I find it getting worst. I asked Kak Itok to see. “ya” she replied. And my respond that time “aku sedih”. Tears dropping while I’m on my way to work. Tried to control my feelings but I just can’t. Until I can’t find the actual reasons why I’m feeling sad. I’m so scared. So scared that I can’t hide it from my staffs. Being a Unit Head, I’m the daily motivator to them. I can’t transfer my negative aura to them. But I still believe in my capabilities as a Drama Queen.

As I entered the lift, “good morning Ms Elsa” a greeting with a smile from my staff. I’m so shocked that I don’t know how to respond and not even a free smile given by me. Straight away to my cubicle, the history of tears begins. Until my Team Leader have to give the morning briefing without me. Filled with depression that day, I just sat down in my cubicle until no one knows I'm working that day.

I need a person who understands me. I called Ida. Not to say that the rest doesn’t understands me, but I just prefer her for a specific reason. Why after so long it sparks again? I seldom see my doctor, I cut my dosage, and I stop taking sleeping pills. Meaning? Do I have to keep on depending to all these? After talking to her, I decided to do some research, at the same time, I e mailed beep. From what she said, we just need to learn how to accept things. This is what Mr Poon have taught me before “learn to accept and appreciate what you have now” Reading some articles from people who suffers from IT, really scare me. Some of them quit their jobs because of low confidence level, avoiding from friends and relatives, commit suicide, locked themselves in a room. argh, what if i ended up like this?

A lot of things I can find from the internet, some of it are very useful, some of it, full of craps. The cause of my disorder is still not known. But doctors and researchers have several different theories. The most widely accepted view is that, it may occur due to autoimmune disease, a condition in which immune system of body destroys its own cells & tissues and it’s reported that emotional distress triggered IT. I’ve been taking a lot of medications. But until now, I just can’t take drugs anymore, as it shown a negative reaction. I’m on homeopathy treatment at the moment, but the progress is too slow. And today, I finally decided to try Ayurveda Treatment. Looking at the testimonials really motivates me to fight it back. The treatment kit worth USD100 can last for 1 month. Is it really worth it? What if the same results appear?

I spoke to him yesterday. Actually I wish to speak to different person. He asked me why I sounded different. Sigh. I just can’t take it anymore. I tried not to reveal my actual feelings as I don’t want him to worry much bout me. I just can’t take it anymore. All of a sudden, I told him about my condition. What really really bugs me, things that keep on playing in my minds, my confidence level, my commitment to work, my sleeping pills. Even my social activities are restricted. I can’t do outdoor activities like swimming (eventho I don’t know how), jogging, I can’t have a slumber party at my girlfriends house, traveling with them, playing at Desa Waterpark with my staffs, doing abseiling even though I’m the one who organized it.. It’s affecting my life! Why? Why do I have to tell him? I know he will get worried and it will play in his mind before he goes to sleep. I know he’s trying hard to calm me down, asked me not to give up, NEVER give up. He just doesn’t understand cos he’s not in my position. But all he can say to cheer me up is “always think about me, my stuffs, my snake that you bought for me in Vietnam, in fact I did mms you my pics, just look at my pics whenever you feel down”

thats him, really cheer me up for a while ;), thanx papito..I'm relief a bit. at least if anything happen to me, he knows the actual reason.

-the depress me-